In this blog series, Ben Fellows, an Oxford graduate, will endeavour to demystify the mystifying experience of an Oxbridge education.
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“Alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness.”
--Oscar Wilde
When I was younger I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
--Winston Churchill
Ok, so you have survived your first formal dinner with some success. You engaged, with grace and purpose, in conversation. You were lively, authoritative and downright scholarly. However, something was amiss. Although you were on sparkling form, your conversation partner seemed...uneasy, stumbling, and unsure. They were not nearly as impressed by your wit and conversational elegance as you were. What could this mean? Are they unwell? Are they a guest and not a student with your intellectual competence?
No. They are not unwell. They are not a guest, and they are, in fact, a student (a high achieving one at that). The truth is...they are drunk! Hammered, blotto, sh*t faced, smashed, trollied (and many other euphemisms for this most British of indulgences). They are completely and utterly intoxicated. Welcome to the UK. The birthplace of irresponsible drinking!
Now I know what you are thinking. This is one of the world’s most revered institutions. Surely these young scholars of Oxbridge have the self-discipline and control to avoid this level of inebriation. WRONG. In fact, if this is what you are thinking you could not be more wrong. Oxbridge, in my humble estimation, is profoundly enamoured by the enticing and flirtatious charms of booze and goes to great trouble to try and seduce it, and you know what...I loved it!
But, although I greatly enjoyed this aspect of student life there is a very serious point to make here. Many international students who are not from the Anglo-sphere seem to struggle with this part of British University life. Many areas of University extracurricular and cultural life will be centred on the consumption of alcohol. For non-drinkers, or very light drinkers, I can see why this may be problematic. I can fully understand why you would not want to be stuck with an obnoxious and obtuse drunkard, smelling of last week’s red wine, trying to explain the finer points of Plato’s Republic. But fear not friends, I have devised some simple rules that if followed will allow you to maximise your social pleasure without ever having to touch a drop of the good stuff, sorry, I mean alcohol.
The flagship social events in your College’s term (more to follow on the collegiate system next time) will be the Bop. For the uninitiated, this will be described by the college establishment as an informal gathering to allow hard working students some “downtime” from studying. They will enjoy fine and lively conversation, an aperitif and maybe the odd Babycham (don’t ask). However, for the students it is a time to get dressed up in inappropriate clothing, get horribly and utterly paralytic and attempt to give it “the old college try” (again, don’t ask).
For a non-drinking foreign student this must sound like an event of apocalyptic proportions. Why on earth would you want to engage in such an event, let alone try to make friends with these people? Well, if you follow these very simple steps, not only will you have a great time and make friends, you will get firsthand experience of the debauchery and dishevelment brilliantly captured by in such 18th Century masterpieces as “Gin Lane”. It is, what we call, a “win-win”!
So, the rules. (Firstly, these are only meant as a guide, to be used at your discretion. I will not be held liable for any damages or breakages that might occur whilst implementing them). Here we go:
1,Hello Mr Bartender: Rule number one – the bartender will be the 2nd most sober person in the room after you, so make nice. Introduce yourself, be friendly, it will come in handy for rule number two.
2,“Vodka” and Coke please: So the party is in full swing, you are happy chatting when the obvious question comes up – can I buy you a drink? Now, start by being honest, “I don’t drink, but thank you anyway”. In my experience this is unlikely to succeed. So, LIE, LIE, LIE. “I am allergic, if I drink I will die”; “I am religious and am not allowed too”; “I have just come out of rehabilitation for previous substance abuse, sorry”. Now, in any normal situation, these would work. But probably not here. The likelihood is that Tommy Brit will have just got out of rehab too and would like to toast this momentous event. So, what do you do? You agree to a drink and ask for a vodka and coke. But what your drinking partner does not know is that you have already asked the bartender to “pretend” to give you vodka and coke, and instead, you just get coke (full fat though, you want this rouse to work).
3,Wow, it seems like a lot of work doesn’t it. NO! You are now in prime position. You seem to have a drink in your hand that you can tell to everyone has just been brought for you (and if you don’t drink it this can go on all night). Now everyone will think that you can handle a drink, are the life and soul of the party and in the morning you don’t have a hangover. Now for the fun part.
4,Say cheese: When you are sober and everyone is hammered, it is time to get the camera out. Take lots and lots of inappropriate photographs and use them to bribe people later. Remember, you could well be in the room with future world leaders and global businesspeople, this stuff is pure gold.
5,“That was so interesting what you said last night...”: At breakfast the next morning when everyone is catatonic, take great pleasure in reminding them about their activities and conversations the night before. This is the time to lay your accent on thick! You will be forgiven invasive and awkward questions if you seem new to the culture (but do not overplay this hand. You have been warned).
There are lots more rules, but you are taking baby steps here, there is no point in overloading you. However, if you follow these simple instructions your social life will not be hindered by the massively irresponsible attitude the British have to private and public drinking, and attitude, of which I am deeply proud.
Until next time.
Ben Fellows is a graduate of Oxford University, a former Research Fellow of Berea University in Kentucky and is currently teaching economics, history and the creative arts at the British Fortune School in Beijing.
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